arguing – My Alzheimer's Story

I’ve shared parts of this story before. It’s an afternoon in October 2015. Mom appears to be asleep in the recliner when I arrive at the LTCF to visit. I lean over and put my hands on either side of the chair. My face is about arms length from hers.

“Patti?” I say to check if she’s really sleeping or just resting. When she opens her eyes, I know immediately she’s unhappy. I also know exactly what to do to minimize the likelihood of things deteriorating further. In the space of about an hour and a half, I created conditions under which Mom and I could move from bad to good instead of from bad to worse. There’s nothing magic about what I did, anyone can do it.

One way is using the BANGS model I developed to help care partners and care workers effectively engage people who are living with dementia. Here’s what I did: 1) took several deep breaths 2) assessed, accepted and agreed, 3) didn’t argue or correct, 4) went with Mom’s flow, and 5) said I was sorry (a lot!).

I thought it might help others to be able to hear our real-life conversation and the transformation we effected together. The five-minute audio below is divided into three segments. The first one is when I arrive to visit Mom; the second is about an hour later when her mood is shifting; and in the last segment we’ve gone all the way from sad to glad.

From sad to glad: an example of BANGS in action

Click here to listen (I highly recommend listening while reading to fully “get it”):

Read here:

Susan: We were both talking about nothing

Mom: Well that’s stupid.

Susan: That was stupid. (laughs) That was stupid, Mom.

(Susan turns down the loud music, which may have been contributing to Mom’s angry demeanour)

Susan: Pardon me?

Mom: You don’t lalalalala look stupid things.

Susan: I’m a silly Billy eh mom?

Mom: Yeah, and you’re stupid.

Susan: Am I? What have you got on your face here? It’s cake. (laughs) I’m happy to see you.

Mom: Well I’m not happy to see you.

Susan: No?

Mom: No. I’m not happy at all.

Susan: Are you mad at me?

Mom: Yeah, I am mad at you. Very mad.

Susan: Are you?

Mom: Yeah.

Susan: What have done?

Mom: Well it’s stupid.

Susan: I did a stupid thing?

Mom: Yeah.

Susan: Oh. Sorry about that.

Mom: Yeah, well it is stupid.

Susan: I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. Is there anything I can do to fix it?

Mom: Well no, there’s nothing I can do to fix it. (Mom starts to “tap” Susan quite hard)

Susan: Oh god, you just whacked me. (The taps get lighter) Are those love taps or mad taps?

Mom: Mad taps.

Susan: Okay. Well at least they’re not very hard.

Mom: What do you mean hard?

Susan: Oh my goodness.

Mom: That’s awful thing to do.

Susan: I don’t know what I did, but whatever it is, I’m sorry I did it.

Mom: Well why did you do whatever stupid it was?

Susan: I don’t know. I made a mistake. I’m sorry.

Mom: Well, it’s sort of stupid that you didn’t –

Susan: I know I admit it. I admit it. I was stupid. I know. I don’t know why I did it Mom. It was a mistake. Is there anything I can do to fix it?

Mom: No!

Susan: Oh. Okay. Because if there was something, I would do it.

Mom: Yeah.

Susan: Yeah that’s what happened. Sorry about that. But maybe it’ll fade over time.

Mom: Well I don’t think so.

Susan: No? Okay. Is it okay if I sit here with you for awhile? How about if we do your nails?

Mom: Well, the nails are beautiful.

Susan: Well, they could be redone I think. Shall I redo them for you?

Mom: Na na na na no I don’t want to.

(About an hour later:)

Susan: Those are nice taps.

Mom: Yeah.

Susan: Are those love taps?

Mom: Yeah, they are nice taps.

Susan: Before you were giving me mad taps. You were mad at me before Mom.

Mom: Mad at you when?

Susan: About an hour ago.

Mom: Oh well, so what.

Susan: (laughs) That’s what I said Mom – so what? It’s okay. You have a right to be mad when you wanna, Mom.

Mom: Yeah, I guess I better.

Susan: Yeah. Life is short. Do what you want.

Mom: Yeah.

Susan: Eh?

Mom: I guess.

Susan: Yep. That’s right.

(About another half hour later:)

Susan: And then we sang “Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb…

Together: it’s fleece was white as snow…etc.

Susan: I like that nursery rhyme, it’s cute.

Mom: Well, it was a nice story.

Susan: Yeah it was a nice story, Mom. How about baa, baa..

Together: Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool…

This approach worked wonders for me on many occasions. That’s not to say it always worked, because, just as we all do, Mom had days when she was just plain unhappy — who wouldn’t have been in her circumstances? No one is happy all the time — or at least no one I know, including myself! The point is, this way of engaging someone living with dementia has a much better chance of working than arguing, correcting, and dismissing. Try it and see for yourself.

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Care Partnering, Interviews, Tips, tools & skills

alzheimer’s speaks’ lori la bey and i agree on the beauty of dementia

August 11, 2017July 12, 2019 My Alzheimer's Story

It’s hard for many people to believe any good can come from dementia, but those of us who have experienced transformation during the process of being a care partner to someone who lives with dementia know it to be true, and are immensely grateful for the rare gift we’ve received.

Fellow advocate Lori La Bey and I both experienced a kind of spiritual awakening during our time as care partners to our mothers. We touched on what that deep connection felt like to us when I was a guest on her popular online show AlzheimersSpeaksRadio.

Here’s a two-minute clip related to that part of our conversation:

During the hour-long show, we also talked about family dynamics, antipsychotic medications, transforming perspectives, and my BANGS model to help stop anxiety and aggression (watch the free BANGS webinar here).

Listen to the full show here.

More AlzheimersSpeaksRadio here, and more on Lori and her work here.

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Care Partnering, Challenges & Solutions, Tips, tools & skills, Videos

10 ways to get to the bottom of behaviour and problematic situations in dementia care at home and in LTCFs

March 10, 2017June 10, 2019 My Alzheimer's Story

In spring 2016 I gave a webinar entitled “How to become a better dementia care detective” in partnership with a former associate. This post summarizes what we discussed in that webinar. I’ve removed the case study and poll questions that were part of the full one-hour webinar, and created a 23-minute version that explains five of the 10 ways I recommend to get to the bottom of behaviour and problematic situations in dementia care both at home and in institutional environments.

Here it is (apologies for the less-than-stellar visual quality, but the audio is fine. Also, see below the video for summaries of the tips and the bottom of the post for links to things mentioned in the clip, AND you can answer the same questions I asked in the polls at this link):

1) Delete and replace misleading assumptions

To start with it’s important to delete the assumption that the behaviour of people who live with dementia is caused by the disease, and to replace that assumption with the understanding that the way people with dementia behave is much like how the rest of us would behave in similar circumstances. You can experience that for yourself by doing this questionnaire, which takes about four minutes to complete: A short survey on behaviour. Learn more about the biomedical and experiential models of dementia here.

2) Find reliable witnesses

Human beings tend not to be reliable witnesses, as courts have proven time after time. One of the most reliable witnesses is a CCTV camera, and I feel strongly that all long-term care facilities should be fitted with CCTV throughout public and private areas. However, at the moment, most facilities are not so equipped, and neither are most private homes, which means we must rely on people. All of that being said, I think it’s important to not dismiss the testimony of people who live with dementia as they are the most reliable witnesses of their own experience despite the impacts of their disease. Watch the video above for a GREAT real-life story.

3) Ask questions (5Ws & some Hs)

When looking at specific situations, it’s helpful to use the five “Ws” that detectives and journalists ask: who, what, when, where, and why. In the case of situations involving people living with dementia , the “why question” is probably the most important, and yet the one that is least asked because people make the assumption that the behaviour is caused by the disease when most often it’s not (see 1) above). After the five W’s, gather more information by asking a bunch of “how” questions such as: how much, how often, how long, how many, etc.

4) Re-create the “crime scene”

Do what any good detective would do, and walk through what has happened with the players or substitute players step by step in the environment in which the situation occurred. See if you can find in the sequence potential causes for what’s happened. Try to look at it from the point of view of the person is living with dementia rather than from your own perspective.

5) Use your senses

Experience the situation, again from the perspective of the person his living with dementia, using your five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, taste. For example, were the lights too bright? Or too dim? Were there bells ringing? Alarms sounding? Loud bangs? TVs playing violent content? Sound and noise are important factors to consider. Is it or was that too hot or too cold? Was there in the noxious smell and the environment such as bleach or other cleaning material? Did the food or water taste bad? Is the medication bitter?

Here are the five additional ways I didn’t cover in the video, with short explanations and links:

6) Ask more questions

In addition to 3) above, keep probing, particularly drilling down using “why” until you get down to the root cause. From a global perspective, here are questions I’ve developed to help me better understand what may be going on. You might find them helpful too:

7) Listen carefully/critically

This can be extremely difficult. One of the hardest things is to let go of our assumptions (see 1) above) , and listen objectively. But it’s also critically important. Try not to be judgmental, particularly with respect to what the person living with dementia says or does. Step back. Be self-aware. I used audio and video recording to help me. I watched and listened to myself to check voice tone and body language so I could hear and see what I was doing well and where I could improve. Listen with the same critical ear to others’ versions of events.

8) Re-examine the “facts”

Don’t take what you have been told, or even what you observed yourself at face value. Ask yourself if the “fact” really is a fact, or is it an “alternative fact,” or even a lie. What evidence is there to back up the facts? If there is no evidence, can you source any? If not, it may be best reconsider how much weight you give to that particular piece of information.

9) Consider motives

Ask yourself what is driving behaviour – not just that of the person who lives with dementia but also of those reporting the behaviour of the person who lives with dementia. Did the care worker say she had changed the client’s brief when in fact she hadn’t? Who benefits most when someone is sedated rather than engaged with life through activities and socializing?

10) Look outside the box

Keep an open mind. Consider all possibilities and remember that reality is sometimes stranger than fiction. Sometimes the thing that appears to walk and talk like a talk is actually a swan in disguise.

Good luck!

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2017/11/25/101-potential-causes-of-behaviours-by-people-living-with-dementia-that-institutional-care-staff-may-find-challenging/

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2015/08/28/teepa-snow-demos-10-ways-to-calm-a-crisis-with-a-person-living-with-alzheimers-dementia/

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/04/13/29-normal-behaviours-you-could-be-sedated-for/

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Care Partnering, Challenges & Solutions, Tips, tools & skills, Videos

BANGS: 5 surefire ways to stop anger and aggression in people who live with alzheimer’s disease in the early, mid, and later stages

December 8, 2016September 4, 2019 My Alzheimer's Story

I knew less than zero about dementia care when I returned to Canada from Dubai in 2011 to care for my mom who lived with dementia of the Alzheimer’s type. I learned a lot in a short time; I learned even more in the five years leading up to her death on August 17, 2016, and I’m STILL learning.

One of the most challenging aspects of care partnering is creating and maintaining a positive relationship between care partners – the one living with dementia and the one (or several) who help him or her to navigate living with the disease. Things can get tense and stressful and sometimes they spiral out of control.

Based on my personal experience with my mom, I developed a model to help myself and others minimize anger and aggression and thus reduce stress. I call it BANGS, which is a mnemonic for ways to defuse conflict with people who are in the early, mid and even later stages of dementia of the Alzheimer’s type.

The one-hour webinar below, which was made during a live online event in spring 2015 when Mom was still alive, explains the BANGS model using personal stories and examples. It show what kinds of things may spark aggression in someone who lives with dementia of the Alzheimer type, and what care partners can do to avert it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These five links will take you to short excerpts from the video; they home in on each of the five techniques with one to three minute clips and short examples:

“B” is for breathe
“A” is for assess, accept and agree
“N” reminds us to never argue & never correct
“G” is for go with the flow, let go of your ego, get on with it and get over it
“S” is for say you’re sorry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you enjoy the webinar, which I invite you to share with colleagues, care partners, care workers and/or to use as a training tool. I also deliver interactive half-day, full-day and two-day workshops on the BANGS(TM) model. Contact me here. And if you want BANGS cards like the ones in the video, contact me here.

Remember:

“B” is for breathe
“A” is for assess, accept, and agree
“N” is for never, never argue
“G” is for go with the flow, let go of your ego, get on with it and get over it
“S” is for say you’re sorry

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Care Partnering, Challenges & Solutions, Tips, tools & skills

6 reasons care partners fight with their loved ones

July 19, 2016April 22, 2018 My Alzheimer's Story

“I wonder why we feel such a strong need to make them see reality?” Jenny mused during our coaching session. “I used to tell myself every morning: ‘today I will NOT argue with Dad or try to make him see reality, and yet every day I’d eventually crack.’”

Jenny had just finished reading “never, never argue is the ‘N’ in BANGS,” and was doing some self-examination. We were exploring ways she might behave differently to reduce the stress she was experiencing as a care partner to her mother.

“Like your post said, who the hell cares if his hair was brown or black!!? Yet I waged such an internal battle with myself. ‘Don’t argue!’ I would say to myself and twenty minutes later I would lose my patience and try to get him to see reality – not HIS reality, MY reality!”

Jenny had lost her father to dementia and was caring for her Mom, who also had the disease.

“Now that Dad is gone,” she said. “I’m pretty good with Mom. I don’t want to repeat the mistakes I made with Dad. But I still ‘crack’ and insist she’s mistaken from time to time, even though I know it doesn’t work.”

Jenny’s words caused me to do some reflection of my own after our Skype call. Sometimes it seems we can’t help arguing, even when we know it’s ineffective and can escalate situations that we could easily defuse if we had our wits about us. When things get “pear shaped,” we sometimes blow up and then feel guilty afterward about losing control.

Here are some of the factors that may be at play when normally calm care partners lose their cool and forget the “never never argue” dementia golden rule:

1) ego

Ego is how we see ourselves. It’s the part of us that knows we are important and able, that we matter, that we count. Ego wants us to be right, maybe even more so when we know the other person is clearly and unequivocally wrong! Letting go of our own ego to bolster someone else’s isn’t easy, but it can work wonders in helping a loved one who lives with dementia reaffirm their own selfhood.

2) exhaustion

Being a caregiver, particularly to someone who lives with dementia, is often physically, emotionally and psychologically draining. Many care partners lack proper support, have little respite and become so worn out they are unable to function properly at even a basic level. It’s virtually impossible to behave rationally when one’s energetic reserves are completely drained. Put the oxygen on yourself first; get some rest.

3) frustration

Never-ending and seemingly insurmountable challenges of all shapes and sizes, unfixable situations, insoluble problems, constant repetition, being on the receiving end of abuse from various quarters – all of these result in levels of frustration that are hard to imagine unless you’ve lived them. Sometimes that frustration gets the best of us and we snap.

4) getting stuck in unproductive patterns

We all know the cliché “it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks.” Although an increasing number of young people are being drafted into caregiving roles, a far greater number of us are longer in the tooth and have likely engaged with our care partners in certain ways for a lifetime. We’ve got “baggage.” It’s hard to break old patterns, and to employ new tricks that deliver better results.

5) lack of knowledge

Alzheimer’s and other dementias are relatively new diseases. Until recently, behavioural expressions such as aggression were believed to be caused exclusively by the disease. Now we know behavioural expressions are more often than not responses to environmental factors and the way we interact with people who live with dementia. With that understanding, we have begun to develop new tools and techniques that enable us to engage more effectively with people who live with dementia. But not everyone is aware of those techniques, and you can’t use tools you don’t know about.

6) lack of practice

Once we’ve been introduced to more effective behavioural tools, techniques and skills, it takes time to master them. Practice makes perfect as they say. But it’s hard to practice when we’re exhausted, frustrated, stuck in old patterns and not able to let go of our ego!

The next time you find yourself arguing with someone who lives with dementia, it may be helpful to take a step back and ask yourself what’s going on. Identifying what lies behind your behaviour is a first step toward changing it and creating a calmer and more peaceful environment for everyone. Awareness may also help you to stop feeling guilty and/or beating yourself up for falling into the arguing trap. We’re only human; we need to give ourselves a break!

Remember all that ❤

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/06/07/10-tips-to-help-you-tango-not-tangle/

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/01/10/10-things-to-remember-when-you-interact-with-people-who-forget/

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Care Partnering, Challenges & Solutions, Tips, tools & skills

i’m sorry is hard, but it may also be the most powerful part of BANGS

October 16, 2015October 14, 2019 My Alzheimer's Story

It’s an afternoon in October 2015. Mom appears to be asleep in the recliner. I lean over and put my hands on either side of the chair. My face is about arms length from hers.

“Patti?” I say to check if she’s really sleeping or just resting.

When she opens her eyes, I know immediately things won’t be easy today. But I have a proven five-pronged strategy to help: BANGS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BANGS is a mnemonic for ways to defuse conflict with people like Mom who live with Alzheimer’s / dementia.

“B” is for breathe;
“A” is for assess, accept and agree;
“N” reminds us to never argue
“G” is for go with the flow, let go of your ego, get on with it and get over it.
“S” is for say you’re sorry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wa wa wa wh what are you talking about?” Mom says before I have a chance to say anything at all.

“I was talking about nothing,” I say agreeably.

“I didn’t think you were talking about nothing because I was talking about nothing,” she says, sharp.

“We were both talking about nothing,” I chuckle.

“Well that’s stupid!” She spits at me, face taut, eyes blazing.

“It was stupid, Mom,” I laugh again. I’m delighted she’s awake, which she mostly is not when I come to visit. “I’m a silly billy eh Mom? What’s that on your face Mom? It looks like cake.” I smile. She glares back. “I’m happy to see you Mom,” I say.

“Well I’m not happy to see you.” Mom’s face is a storm cloud.

“You’re not?”

“No. You’re stupid.”

“Are you mad at me Mom?”

“Yeah.”

“What have I done?”

“Well, it’s stupid.” I have no idea what stupid thing she might be talking about, or what she believes I have done, but I know what to do.

“I did a stupid thing?” I say.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry Mom. Is there anything I can do to fix it?”

“No. You can’t fix it.”

“I’m sorry Mom.” I genuinely AM sorry. I really wish I could fix it. In no way am I pretending or fibbing. She lifts her right hand hand and starts tapping my cheek like she does when she gives me “love taps,” but harder. It stings ever so slightly, but doesn’t hurt at all. It’s a more intense version of the love taps she adores giving. She is a wheelchair-bound 87-year-old woman living with dementia. She can’t hurt me.

“Sorry. Sorry. What difference does that make? It was stupid,” she says as she keeps “slapping/tapping” me.

“I know Mom. I’m sorry. Are these love taps or mad taps?”

“Mad taps. Mad taps.” She taps faster, grits her teeth. I don’t care that she’s tapping/slapping me; it helps release whatever is bothering her. No harm done. Once she gets up, out of the recliner, and rolling in the wheelchair, her mood gradually improves. Mom loves to be on the go. It takes about 45 minutes and a whole lot more ‘I’m sorry’s’ to get rid of the crankiness, but that’s okay with me, we all have bad days – why should she be any different? The thing about “I’m sorry” is that it’s hard for anyone, even someone with dementia, to stay angry at somebody who keeps apologizing.

See the 7 tips on saying I’m sorry from Teepa and me here.

If you don’t want to end up in a “shoot-out” with a person living with dementia, use BANGS to get through the rough patch and onto higher ground.

Remember:

“B” is for breathe.
“A” is for assess, accept, and agree.
“N” is for never, never argue
“G” is for go with the flow, let go of your ego, get on with it and get over it.
“S” is for say you’re sorry

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Care Partnering, Challenges & Solutions, Tips, tools & skills

the “G” in BANGS: 5 great ways to stop dementia anger, aggression and anxiety in their tracks

August 22, 2015May 8, 2020 My Alzheimer's Story

Before I lived with and cared for someone with dementia, she and I had both lived alone – I for six years and she for about 20.

All of a sudden we were together in close quarters: two fiercely independent women each of whom had run her own business for several decades, each with a mind of her own, each accustomed to doing what she wanted when she wanted and not having to accommodate anyone but herself, each very much her own person.

Plus, one of us had a brain disease about which the other new little.

It was a miracle we didn’t kill each other. But we didn’t. We found a way to get out of conflict and on to safer ground. It wasn’t easy, and I hope the tips below will help you to do the same…

BANGS is an acronym for five ways I wish I hadn’t had to learn from experience about how to defuse conflict with people who live with Alzheimer’s / dementia.

“B” is for breathe.

“A” is for assess, accept, and agree.

“N” is for never, never argue

“G” is for let go

“S” is for say you’re sorry

In the bangs webinar I talked about “G” standing for two things:

go with their flow,
let go of your ego

1) Go with their flow

Most of us are accustomed to doing things according to schedule(s). We have agendas, literal, figurative, and physical.

We create lists of things to do and time frames within which we must do them. Alzheimer’s/dementia taught me that agendas, schedules and lists are artificial. We create them and we think we need to stick to them when in reality we don’t.

The quickest way to conflict with a person with dementia (PWD) is to try to force them to fit your agenda. In fact, if you think about it, mostly everybody wants to do what they want, not what others want them to do. Why would PWD be any different?

Conversely, the easiest way to create peace and harmony is to let go of your agenda and let the PWD run with theirs, however strange and uncomfortable it may seem to you.

2) Let go of your ego

Tough. Extremely tough to do — especially for family members. Your loved one with dementia might say horrible and hurtful things to you. Not out of malice, but because their brain isn’t functioning properly.

For example, parents with dementia often vehemently tell their children they don’t have children. Some call their children stupid or idiots or worse. they may say you are mean to them or abusive. They may chastise you for not calling when you live in the same house 24 seven and have done for years! That’s the disease talking. They may be be mean to when you try to help Them. They may chastise you for all kinds of things you may or may not have done.

Rather than allow yourself to be devastated, try choosing something different. Learn to let go of your ego, and to not be hurt by their hurtful words. It makes things easier. Not easy. Easier. Every little bit counts.

Besides everything else I talked about in the webinar, here are three “bonus” ideas to add to the “G” in BANGS: get over it, get on with it and get down to it.

3) Get over it

This is an extension of letting go of your ego: when you let go, let go completely. Don’t harbour any resentment. Don’t seek revenge for the way you may have been treated. Don’t bully. Get over it. If you don’t get this one, The Eagles explain it more fully here.

This is a hard pill to swallow when you feel like the wounded party, but believe me, it works.

4) Get on with it

Self explanatory I think: keep going. Don’t let the disease get the best of you.

5) Get down to it

By this I mean get down physically so you are at or below eye level of the person with dementia.

Let them have the power position above you to make communication easier and less threatening. This works a treat.

Teepa Snow demonstrates getting down and “hand under hand” here.

Don’t want to end up in a “shoot-out” with a PWD? Use BANGS.

Remember:

“B” is for breathe.

“A” is for assess, accept, and agree.

“N” is for never, never argue

“G” is for let go

“S” is for say you’re sorry

And: 10 ways to use improv to improve life with Alzheimer’s (more about “going with the flow” as well as a live demo of what it looks like).

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2015/06/18/b-is-for-breathe-in-bangs/

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2015/07/19/the-triple-a-in-bangs/

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Care Partnering, Challenges & Solutions, Tips, tools & skills

never never argue is the “N” in BANGS

July 30, 2015May 4, 2018 My Alzheimer's Story

Like many dementia care partners, I spent years arguing with my mother and exacerbating no-win situations before I became aware that debate only created more anger and angst. By arguing, I became the cause of her “bad behaviour.” It wasn’t the disease, it was me; it wasn’t her fault, it was mine. Had I put myself in her shoes, I would have saved us both a lot of aggravation.

BANGS is an acronym for five ways anyone can use to avert and defuse conflict with people who live with Alzheimer’s dementia and other kinds of dementias.

“B” is for breathe.

“A” is for assess, accept, and agree.

“N” is for never, never argue

“G” is for go with their flow, let go of your ego, get over it, get on with it, get down to it

“S” if for say you’re sorry

This post is about never, never arguing. Arguing with someone with dementia gets you nowhere. It just adds to everyone’s frustration and creates an environment where more conflict is likely to occur. Imagine this conversation at a family dinner:

“His hair was jet black when he was little,” the person with dementia (PWD) says about his grandson.

“No, it’s always been brown,” the boy’s mother counters.

“No it wasn’t. It was black,” the grandfather with dementia shoots back.

“I’m his mother, I should know,” the boy’s mother’s voice rises an octave or two.

A heated row ensues over the colour of the boy’s hair, which has always definitely been brown, not black. But who cares? The argument could have been averted had the daughter simply agreed with her father about the colour of her son’s hair.

This tendency to argue is not confined to “natural” care partners. Many paid care workers in institutions such as long-term care facilities, nursing homes, and hospitals are unaware they create problems by the way they talk to and treat people with dementia. Imagine this scenario:

“That’s not yours honey,” the caregiver says as she tried to pull a small object from an old woman’s grasp.

“It is so. It’s mine!”

“No it’s not!”

“Yes, it is!”

“Give it to me. NOW.”

“NO.”

The old woman with dementia slaps the caregiver on the arm as the caregiver yanks the object away.

If you think it sounds like kindergarten gone bad, you’re right! That’s just what it’s like, and situations like these are why many people with dementia get branded “aggressive” and “violent,” and why far too many are given harmful and largely ineffective anti-psychotic drugs.

We have the power and the responsibility to change these responsive behaviours by changing how we behave ourselves.

The minute care partners stop arguing with their loved ones and others they interact with who have dementia, things greatly improve. I know it from personal experience and there’s stacks of research to prove it.

Dementia communication is perhaps the only place where that old cliché about “never say never” never applies!

Don’t want to end up in a “shoot-out” with a PWD? Use BANGS. The full 50-minute webinar is here:

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/12/08/5-surefire-ways-to-stop-anger-and-aggression-in-people-who-live-with-alzheimers-disease-in-the-mid-and-later-stages/

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Take my short survey on behaviour here.

From sad to glad: an example of BANGS in action

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1) Delete and replace misleading assumptions

2) Find reliable witnesses

3) Ask questions (5Ws & some Hs)

4) Re-create the “crime scene”

5) Use your senses

6) Ask more questions

7) Listen carefully/critically

8) Re-examine the “facts”

9) Consider motives

10) Look outside the box

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More useful links:

Remember:

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1) ego

2) exhaustion

3) frustration

4) getting stuck in unproductive patterns

5) lack of knowledge

6) lack of practice

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Remember:

1) Go with their flow

2) Let go of your ego

3) Get over it

4) Get on with it

5) Get down to it

Remember:

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See also: Teepa Snow demos 10 ways to calm a crisis with a person with dementia

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