dying with my mom

My mother died on August 17, 2016. Like all deaths, hers was paradoxically unexpected. I didn’t want her to die. I knew she couldn’t live forever.

I had been thinking/fearing/anticipating/regretting/hoping for her death for months. I didn’t want to be there. I had never been with someone while they were actively dying. What would it be like? How would she be? What would I do? How would I feel? Would I be brave enough to watch her go?

At the same time, I desperately wanted to be there, alone with her, when she “went.” After a decade of being her care partner in various ways , I wanted to share her last moments/passage/death/birth/transition. It would be a crowning act of intimacy in the circle of our lives: she had been present when I took my first breath; it seemed right I should witness her last.

This poem is about our final moments together in this life/space/place. Being with her was a gift, a blessing and privilege I couldn’t have imagined. I’m so thankful it happened as it did.

 

here we go

a poem by punkie © 2016 Susan Macaulay

Listen here:

here we go

a rasping rattle
in your chest
takes me by surprise

i thought we’d have
more time to share
before our last goodbyes

you suck the air
i stroke your hair
and hold your hand in mine

oh-two pumps in
your nostrils thin
your nose is cold and white

your eyes unseeing
and human being
will soon be left behind

“i love you mom,
go home,” i say
your answer is divine

compassion deepens
in changing seasons
i urge you to move on:

“gran awaits
at heaven’s gates
it’s time now to be gone”

your breathing slows
my love still flows
i hope you see the dawn

your heart is still
my tears now spill
your skin grows pale and wan

a body lays
where once you played
not hither now but yon

i cry alone
stripped to the bone
i miss your voice in song

pray look for me
one day to see
we’re not apart for long

© 2016 Susan Macaulay. I invite you to share the links widely, but please do not reprint or reblog or copy and paste my poems into other social media without my permission. Thank you.

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2018/08/16/the-truth-behind-my-mothers-death-august-16-2016/

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2015/09/03/night-flights-to-london/

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/12/14/missing-you/

https://myalzheimersstory.com/2016/09/03/homeward-bound-a-grieving-poem-and-a-hopeful-song/

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