a day in the life of wilbur and deb

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wilbur-and-deb-early-days-cropped

Wilbur and Deb in 1974

Wilbur spotted Deb at the skating rink in 1971 when she was twelve and he was seventeen. “She looked older than her age,” he told me. After she turned thirteen, they met at the cinema, walked into the movies together, and sat side by side. Her parents brought her there, and then picked her up when the movie was over. After a time, Wilbur got to meet Deb’s parents, then visited them at her home, after which they “finally got to date.” When I asked Wilbur how long they’d been married he wrote back: “Thirty-eight years, and we went together for six; so that’s 38 + 6 = 44; I tell her I count them all.” When I read that, my heart cracked. Deb began to show signs of early onset dementia in 2012, when she was fifty-two. Wilbur cares for her pretty much on his own 24/7. “When we took our wedding vows,” he says, ‘until death do us part’ was part of them.” I subsequently wondered if he might consider blogging. “No,” he answered almost immediately. “I’m not much of a writer.” But then the next day he sent me an email with the subject line “My blog.” This is what it said:

Sometimes I wonder what people would think if they knew the way we live. I wonder if other husbands and wives live like us because of Alzheimer’s disease.

We wake up around 6:00 to 6:30 am. I take Deb to the bathroom (hope she goes 🙂 ). Then to the couch and lay her down, cover her up. I will sit quiet and watch tv (volume down). Around 8:00, I prep her meds. Also during this time I wash, and I take care of the cats (feed, litter box), and dishes if I didn’t do them the night before.

At about 9:00, I take her temperature, blood pressure and blood sugar level. Give her the meds I have prepared and off to the bathroom to brush her teeth and hopefully go!? 🙂 Around 10:00 we make our trip to McDonalds for breakfast. She likes their big breakfast and eats all of it, and that is important far as i am concerned. We take the breakfast to a parking lot down the street and eat in the car. We eat in the car because it is the only place she sits still.

Back home we go. She begins pacing and talking. She says daddy constantly (long story), and he seems to be the one who she is talking to all the time. She gets aggravated sometimes, then settles down and just talks and paces. After a while she will sit and just be quiet (wore self out I believe) for about five or maybe ten minutes depending on how wore out she got. Then back up and start over.

Somewhere around 1:00 pm I will fix a lunch and give her her meds, and see if she will go to the bathroom. Then it is back to pacing and talking to daddy. Other names do come in once in a while, but mostly it’s daddy. She was abused when she was a little girl. Maybe she’s reliving that, I don’t know. I kinda rescued her from that, but I can’t rescue her from this.

Almost every day we go for a ride to get out. We need to get out sometimes. We may get a smoothie or ice cream. We do this in the car also. If we were to go inside she would not sit still and would get very nervous around lots of people. About 4:00 we have something small to eat and I give her her meds. And then it’s back to pacing and talking. She will pace so much she will get on all fours to crawl around to keep going. This used to bother me, but when I helped her up she would walk a few steps and go back on all fours. I decided then she wasn’t hurting herself and that was all that mattered.

Around 6:00 we have supper. Then she goes back to pacing and talking. This the part of the day that is harder. She is tired from all the pacing, and aggravated from being so tired. I watch her more at this time to make sure her balance is still ok. Not to say I don’t watch her other times, but at night I watch her more.  She walks her same route at night as in the day, but her head will be facing down and so sometimes she walks into the wall. The good thing is she walks slow so she doesn’t hurt herself when she walks into the wall. It makes her mad though. She gets aggravated about bumping into the walls.

At 7:30 I give her the bedtime meds. And then, you guessed it: back to pacing and talking. Around 8:00 to 8:30 we try to made it to bed. Sometimes she will go right to sleep and sometimes we have to get up a time or two. This process can take from one minute to thirty minutes — depends on how hard she fights it. Usually around 10:00 to 10:30 she will be moving around a little in bed so I get her up and we go to the bathroom. I help her back to bed and she goes right back to sleep. Usually at about 2:00 to 2:30 I will feel her moving around and I take her to the bathroom again. I help her back to bed and she is off to sleep.

At 6:30 am, we start over.

The above is just the routine.  It doesn’t count “accidents,” bathing battles, cleaning house, and anything else that one needs to do during the day 🙂 It also doesn’t tell you the times she will come up to me and say “I love you,” or when she just lets her hand caress me as she smiles and walks by. I wish there was more of that, but I will take it when it does come.

This is our life now. We don’t have the trips, and exciting vacations, not that we ever did. We didn’t have the money for that kind of life style :-). But we had a good life. We had a good life together. And I still love her the same as I did when I first saw her at the skating rink and we sat together holding hands in the movies. She’s my wife, and I love her.

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24 Comments

  1. Wilbur, I had no idea. Your devotion puts so many to shame. When you are too tired to keep going, we are here cheering for you. Hugs.

  2. OH, my friend. I’m sorry it has progressed so far. I feel like we’re still in the “How I met you” phase, and how can this be our life now? You do such a wonderful job of caring for her. I’m glad to know you.

  3. Wow. Very touching. ” I kinda rescued her from that, but I can’t rescue her from this.” There is so much poetry in honesty.

  4. yep, almost the same story here, but i worked during the day so her daughter, who is my age would watch her while i was at work, we were only married 19.5 years, but those where the best years of my life, anytime with her was the best……..sadly i lost her in November of this year. she was and always will be my everything and my soulmate………………she is still with me every day though I still fight this depression, I know she is always around me loving me just as much as i have always loved her…………..

    Rob Geyer

  5. So many of us can relate, routines r so important, one little change can turn into a nightmare. The one thing missing, which is not in this story, cause it rarely is, is the need for yourself, the abandonment of family and friends. If we could teach anything at all, it would be the support of those close to us. Nothing big, a phone call to see if we need something from the store, a couple of hours for us to go get a hair cut, someone come offer to do yard work, clean the house, a simple visit, just to break the monotony!

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